AlexXFantaisa

f0r the past 3yrs of life we have suffered in silence nd t0day.. i wuz asked wuh i remember and wuh stik out the most so, honestly i remember wantin to die. i remember swallowing twenty one pillz because i c0uldnt bare t0 live wif thiz secret. i remember watchin mah m0thr cry nd watchin mah father drink himself to near death. i remember bein h0melezz and al0ne. i remember the things i dare d0nt talk ab0ut bkuh w0rdz.. make them real again. i remember buryin mah bezt friend at age 12 and never.. gettin t0 say g0odbye. i remember watchin JJ cry while he t0ld me Jimmy.. was dead. i remember Jimmy's letter to us by heart.. every.. w0rd pr0mising us that we sh0uld never cry f0r him nevr fail and never l0ose the family. i remember havin n0thin buh rubuen and dariuz and JJ to get me thru the nights i cried myself t0 sleep wanting the pain t0 end. i remember g0in fr0m h0uze t0 h0uze bekuh we didnt have a real h0me bkuh we didnt have any h0me. i remember pr0mising mahself that mah family w0uld never g0 hungry as l0ng as i c0uld w0rk nd pr0vide them wif evrythin they needed. i remember beggin mah father t0 st0p. i remember takin the hits and the beatins meant f0r mah m0ther. i remember runnin away t0 c0ney island and the safety that was f0und there. i remember riding the F train bak in f0rth cryin mah eyes 0ut bkuh i had n0 h0me to go home to nd nob0dy to g0 h0me to. i remember cleanin our home from top to bottom wen we finally g0t one and cryin evry night becauze i c0uldn't gett rid 0f rats nd r0achez. i remember huddling up t0 a space heater at night becauze we didnt have heat 0r h0t water 0r even a st0ve. i remember sellin **** t0 pay rent nd leavin sk0ol to w0rk. i remember hidin the pain inside and only lettin it 0ut wen i knew evry0ne wuz g0ne. i remember keenen and h0w i let him b da r0ck of thingz until he br0ke mah heart, i remember findin jamel. i remember all to0o well h0w he defiled me deztr0yed me nd desecrated mah b0dy while i cried nd begged and f0ught. i remember every night h0w it haunted me and killed me sl0wly til i hid it d0wn deep and tried t0 f0rget it all. i remember every bruize and scar he'z givin me to live with. i remember struggling to get h0me nd ending up bleeding on rubuenz d0orstep wif a blak eye nd busted lip ripped cl0thes nd tears in mah eyez. i remember all t0o well the lookz on their facez wen dariuz nd Rubuen opend the door. i remember never wanting to give up and giving up that night. i can trace every scar and remember its story, evrytime i s0bbed and bled nd hid the pain bkuh the family needed me and their was no time f0r sk0ol or l0ve or being happy i remember feelin like i failed and ending up in the h0spital bkuh i went crazy on sum girl nd pushed her d0wn the stairz. i remember n0t havin f0od t0 eat at night nd n0t havin.. m0ney t0 survive. i remember bein t0ld t0 turn triks by mah best friend. i remember n0t wantin t0 swall0w mah pride and never wanting to bellittle myself like that. i remember every breath and evry day of that year and h0w much it killed me t0 watch mah family die sl0wly. i remember trusting no one becauze trust killed me trust raped me trust stole from me and made me weak. i remember running away and ending up in c0ney island running as far away az i could to forget it. i remember the fightz the sleeplezz nights. i remember the nightmarez and the nightz bryan nd shaun talked me t0 sleep becauze i waz so scared. i remember wakin up wif ratz in mah bed nd r0achez 0n mah pill0w and kn0win that this was the way it w0uld b becauze i could do no better f0r mah family. i remember cutting my wirst and wantin s0 badly f0r it t0 let the pain end nd havin JJ find me in rubuenz bathr0om. i remember it all t0 well and all t0 clear. i remember bein thr0wn out of the h0uze nd sleepin nightz away 0n the train t0 jamacia queenz until terrance wud let me in. i remember sleepin in pr0spectz wif r0r0 bkuh we had n0 h0mez. i remember the c0ld nd h0w c0ld it can get wen u have n0 blanket nd n0 warm cl0thing and have 0nly the train d0ors to block the cold winter air. i remember wanting to die there wanting t0 escape them all and n0t bein able t0. i remember surviving f0r the family. i remember watching myself die a little more each day i struggled. i remember having n0 heart left bkuh it wuz st0len fr0m me s0 many times. i remember stealing to get by. i remember almost failing ninth and tenth grade bkuh the family came first and sk0ol came aftr the m0ney was made and billz were paid. i remember drinkn az much az mah father bkuh it dulled mah pain nd made me numb. i remember cryin 0n the bathr0om fl0or as the person i loved try to kill himself. i remember hating myself and hating everyone for giving up on us. i remember hating mah father f0r beatin me f0r breakin me f0r breakin 0ur family. i remember n0 l0ve nd n0 happinezz 0nly the pain. i remember the pain ruling everyday of life as i drowned away in pills and weed. i remember wanting to jump infront of the train 0n liberty ave. i remember travis gettin shot. i remember somebody dying all the time. i remember gunsh0ts fr0m da 0utside nd havin t0 hide away. i remember walkin mah d0g nd gettin mugged. i remember the pain nd bl0od of every black eye busted lip bruised b0dy that i called mah 0wn. i remember 0ne t0 many c0nversati0nz that llastd t0 l0ng nd nevr l0ng enuff. i remember thinkin that death was the 0nly way 0ut. i remember wantin t0 b a kid again wantin them t0 take care of me f0r once. i remember wantin freed0m and the ability t0 breathe easy. i remember blamin mahself f0r the rape. i remember hating myself for all theze thingz that i couldn't control. i remember Lucaz dying and h0w every Dk l0okd at me t0 keep us str0ng. i remember g0in to the po's office wif deshawn every few weekz to keep him strong. i remember every tear i cried and every s0ng that lifted us high. i remember hating god and going to church wif r0r0 every sunday. i remember feeling like nothing because i had n0thing. i remember praying every night to god to deliver us fr0m this hell. i remember beggin for redemption and solace. i remember pushing that ***** d0wn the stairz and liking it. i remember meetin will and telling him about my life and watching him cry. i never wanted pity, and i never wanted fear i only sought out understanding and i have yet to find it. i remember wanting to tell all of my story and kn0win oneday i will, and it'z juz been spoken